1 year since i was diagnosed....emotions still fairly high, through the worst of it yep
forgetfull now all the time if i write a note i forget where i put it, breathing is starting to get worse again. A mention of a "LOADED SPLEEN" not sure what the doc was on about; i kinda joked and just looked blankly at him.......getting married in may next year that is if she doesn't kill me for being a wally or forgeting where something is or something i should have told her, not the i love you bit but normally a message i was supposed to pass on lol..........................cant sleep things do worry me i am only human and you cant put that fake smile on all the time ( you start to get a face ache and frown lines)
did i mention i am getting married lol......am so happy, she is amazing, a bit neurotic at times ( god how i hope she doesnt read this till i have done something wrong and deserve a slap across the hands )...................
* starts singing songs in his head to amuse himself*
should go to bed now....am actually shattered but head is buzzing with thoughts, random ones mind you......
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
dealing with what life throws at you part 2
So there i am dressed up in a gown and only my boxers on ..............get wheeled into the surgery room.......its the wierdest feeling you will prob ever encounter if you are kept awke........i had 3 injections into my neck, had half my face taped up and was all set for my biopsy (i will never need to ask what one of those is agin lol).....if you feel anything kevin let us know.........i bloody did feel something scared for one.......i could feel them moving and pushing my neck in ......i could hear them cutting at the same time that i felt it so i knew they were doing it to me....they even joked about seeing a big node next to it and lobbing it out while they had me open....
after they had superglued me up they wheeled me out ......the nurse asked if i wanted anything while i waited in recovery i explained in only the way i could .......Dont suppose i could have some water my mouth is fucking dry ....excuse my french........she remarked only if your good......like whats that got to do with anything .........oh and over in the corner behind the desk a male nurse was eating a bag of jelly babies infront of me.......that was far more worse torture than the op
it was thursday before the results finally came back in ......i had waited 2 days and figured i would prefer this hodgkins thing to cancer any day .....cheers mike for explaining before i got my results i am a tit and its a type of cancer too ..........so now i was thinking next best thing its a couple of simple infections all happening at the same time...... there is no way i have cancer its not plausable........i am far too young
so when my doc comes in and says kevin it is hodgkins.......my mind kinda goes blank and fuzzy.....i put a smile on and say something stupid like oh well it could be worse.......all sorts of random thoughts start jumping through your head.......tried cracking a few more jokes as there are now 3 speciqlists around my bed......turns out its hodgkins lymphoma stage 3 and aggresive only know that cos i had to ask the nurse afterwards ....it had gone in one ear and out of the other well it was not really happening was it.........i thought and still do that i am having a black out.
i waited in that room for about five minutes before walking into the toilet and breaking down in tears...................................its fucked up ...................30 with Cancer no idea really how long i have had it or whether i am going to live or die
i called mum tried to explain and then had to put the phone down on her i was in pieces..........
the next few days are to be honest still a blur.......i know nikki brought in Taya to see me on fathers day which helped sooooooooooo much......even bought me a card from taya and a box of wine gums.........i do love the sweeties lol.................i started randomly sending Cancer jokes out to people ....guess it was my way of trying to deal with it
even though i was told that they had staged me and i knew how bad it was i kept playing it down to people and saying it was ok (not stage 3 aggressive like it was ) but that either i didnt know how bad or it was only stage 1 or 2 .........i really didnt want to worry people anymore than i had to.........
after they had superglued me up they wheeled me out ......the nurse asked if i wanted anything while i waited in recovery i explained in only the way i could .......Dont suppose i could have some water my mouth is fucking dry ....excuse my french........she remarked only if your good......like whats that got to do with anything .........oh and over in the corner behind the desk a male nurse was eating a bag of jelly babies infront of me.......that was far more worse torture than the op
it was thursday before the results finally came back in ......i had waited 2 days and figured i would prefer this hodgkins thing to cancer any day .....cheers mike for explaining before i got my results i am a tit and its a type of cancer too ..........so now i was thinking next best thing its a couple of simple infections all happening at the same time...... there is no way i have cancer its not plausable........i am far too young
so when my doc comes in and says kevin it is hodgkins.......my mind kinda goes blank and fuzzy.....i put a smile on and say something stupid like oh well it could be worse.......all sorts of random thoughts start jumping through your head.......tried cracking a few more jokes as there are now 3 speciqlists around my bed......turns out its hodgkins lymphoma stage 3 and aggresive only know that cos i had to ask the nurse afterwards ....it had gone in one ear and out of the other well it was not really happening was it.........i thought and still do that i am having a black out.
i waited in that room for about five minutes before walking into the toilet and breaking down in tears...................................its fucked up ...................30 with Cancer no idea really how long i have had it or whether i am going to live or die
i called mum tried to explain and then had to put the phone down on her i was in pieces..........
the next few days are to be honest still a blur.......i know nikki brought in Taya to see me on fathers day which helped sooooooooooo much......even bought me a card from taya and a box of wine gums.........i do love the sweeties lol.................i started randomly sending Cancer jokes out to people ....guess it was my way of trying to deal with it
even though i was told that they had staged me and i knew how bad it was i kept playing it down to people and saying it was ok (not stage 3 aggressive like it was ) but that either i didnt know how bad or it was only stage 1 or 2 .........i really didnt want to worry people anymore than i had to.........
Monday, July 5, 2010
Dealing with what life throws at you
Can honestly say that it took me a little bit by surprise.........I had been working and living in France for the past few months doing what i do best .......fixing things and building new stuff.......basically i was renovating property there...........The south west part of France is a gorgeous place to be honest.
Things were going great .................i worked the hours i needed to...and pretty much spent the rest of the time relaxing and clearing my head of all the crazy~ness that had been filling my head up in the months that ultimatly led to me leaving the UK.............
SOOOOOOOO anyhoo.........i had started having a few breathing difficulties ....tightening of the chest ......unable to actually lie down on my back and waking up in the morning full of wind ( i would burp the stored wind out for about 10 minutes )......didnt really notice my neck being all that enlarged ........but why would i i have a large neck anyway......then came the black-outs ; four in total..............and i was scared.......i put it down to the fact i must have a collapsed lung and there was not enough oxygen getting to my brain......so i spoke to my local doctor......take some anti-biotics and if your not better in 2 days we will have to send you to the hospital..........no chance i said.....i am going to book a flight to the UK now......decided that it would be better to have it checked out in the UK .....i could fly back get looked at then return back to France without any one knowing i was back in the uk............
on monday the 14th of June 2010 i arrived at Bangor hospital explained my situation to the lady at the front desk and waited to be called .......did the ritual waiting about for what seemed to be an age.......(me and my rucksack).................finally got called in explained again what i THOUGHT was happening and they sent me for a chest X-Ray........all was going pretty well up to this point...........
so there i am sitting waiting for the results of my scan when they tell me that a specialist has been called and is on his way down.......think thats ok they must need to just confirm what i thougt.............then the specialist shows up looks at the x-ray and i hear him say that he wanted to call somone else ...........next thing there are four people around my bed asking if they can just check my neck and chest.............started to get a bit freaked out ....its only a collapsed lung ( not in any way saying that this is in any way a small problem) but then he tells me from the size of my neck he would like me to stay in so that they could run some tests......biopsy was mentioned ....had no idea what that was.......hhodgkins was mentioned, again no idea and then the word CANCER popped out of his mouth......i thought yeh right your pulling my leg i'm only 30 so i dismissed it and started thinking i am furkin starving i could do with food ......
waited around a bit more before they decided to move me to the furkin cancer ward.......didnt realise it was the cancer ward till later that night lol.......remember i have been carrying a 20 kg rucksack around for the last couple of days i cant breathe cos of my chest ....feeling pretty bad in myself and then they turn up with the worst looking wheel chair you have ever seen in your life,; and as soon as you sit on it you automatically start feeling useless its mental.......
i was told nil by mouth from 12 am as to have my biopsy at 1pm the next day.....again no food this is wrong i am a growing lad........i love food .....still none the wiser what is going on or what was really wrong with me......
so 1pm comes and goes starting to get hunger pains now lol......than i am told i willl not be going till 4pm......please bear in mind nil by mouth means nil by mouth....no chuffing water and i like to drink at least a couple of litres a day.
Things were going great .................i worked the hours i needed to...and pretty much spent the rest of the time relaxing and clearing my head of all the crazy~ness that had been filling my head up in the months that ultimatly led to me leaving the UK.............
SOOOOOOOO anyhoo.........i had started having a few breathing difficulties ....tightening of the chest ......unable to actually lie down on my back and waking up in the morning full of wind ( i would burp the stored wind out for about 10 minutes )......didnt really notice my neck being all that enlarged ........but why would i i have a large neck anyway......then came the black-outs ; four in total..............and i was scared.......i put it down to the fact i must have a collapsed lung and there was not enough oxygen getting to my brain......so i spoke to my local doctor......take some anti-biotics and if your not better in 2 days we will have to send you to the hospital..........no chance i said.....i am going to book a flight to the UK now......decided that it would be better to have it checked out in the UK .....i could fly back get looked at then return back to France without any one knowing i was back in the uk............
on monday the 14th of June 2010 i arrived at Bangor hospital explained my situation to the lady at the front desk and waited to be called .......did the ritual waiting about for what seemed to be an age.......(me and my rucksack).................finally got called in explained again what i THOUGHT was happening and they sent me for a chest X-Ray........all was going pretty well up to this point...........
so there i am sitting waiting for the results of my scan when they tell me that a specialist has been called and is on his way down.......think thats ok they must need to just confirm what i thougt.............then the specialist shows up looks at the x-ray and i hear him say that he wanted to call somone else ...........next thing there are four people around my bed asking if they can just check my neck and chest.............started to get a bit freaked out ....its only a collapsed lung ( not in any way saying that this is in any way a small problem) but then he tells me from the size of my neck he would like me to stay in so that they could run some tests......biopsy was mentioned ....had no idea what that was.......hhodgkins was mentioned, again no idea and then the word CANCER popped out of his mouth......i thought yeh right your pulling my leg i'm only 30 so i dismissed it and started thinking i am furkin starving i could do with food ......
waited around a bit more before they decided to move me to the furkin cancer ward.......didnt realise it was the cancer ward till later that night lol.......remember i have been carrying a 20 kg rucksack around for the last couple of days i cant breathe cos of my chest ....feeling pretty bad in myself and then they turn up with the worst looking wheel chair you have ever seen in your life,; and as soon as you sit on it you automatically start feeling useless its mental.......
i was told nil by mouth from 12 am as to have my biopsy at 1pm the next day.....again no food this is wrong i am a growing lad........i love food .....still none the wiser what is going on or what was really wrong with me......
so 1pm comes and goes starting to get hunger pains now lol......than i am told i willl not be going till 4pm......please bear in mind nil by mouth means nil by mouth....no chuffing water and i like to drink at least a couple of litres a day.
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